Lost but I will prevail

Hi. I want to work on my poetry so it has some more structure and form and traditional characteristics. But writing poems is very therapeutic for me and when I have to write a poem I just have to write it with my own rules.

I came to the park intent on reading a book on how to craft better poems but after a few pages I just had to write a poem triggered by my emotional state and the space I was in.

If there are any poets out there who would care to make any comments, criticisms, compliments haha or other on here or by email I’d really appreciate it. You don’t have to be a poet of course, feedback from people who enjoy poetry would be great also.

So here is todays offering

LOST BUT I WILL PREVAIL

YOUR absences render me lost

Head full, mind swelling.

A cauldron of 7 years passed

A fragmented hell, directionless.

A ship off track without a mast

ALONE in the perfect sunshine

In the place we all once gathered

Eyes pressured with liquid pain

The multiplicity

Of all the storms weathered.

EYES aching, heartbreaking not fine

Duality not duplicity the life I lead.

Skilled pirate lost their treasure,

Sword lost it’s shine,

Battles fought, battles won.

It’s time to lay new seeds.

I’D LOVE you back to join me

To watch the other one fly.

Oh! Someone pierced the eyeballs,

I’m starting now to cry.

But it’s only momentarily

The subconscious hits a wall.

WINDOWS of time ignite uncertainty

After 2 years of strife, no space, no life.

What I was rebuilding

Disappeared around me.

Warrior Mum, my only goal in sight.

I LOVE you so much

I’m rejoicing your rising.

But the aftermath of what’s gone

Is truly surprising.

YOU were all I had to focus on

And now that you are free

I have to start a second time

To recreate all that’s me.

Smashed up by sisterhood

It was all too perfect

How could you think it my fault?

Would SHE really have made it up?

Or is blaming me your default?

Her team say it’s you who fucked up.

Your thoughts, stereotyped and malignant

Surpassed only by your mental abuse

Yet you wonder at my indignance,

Can you really be quite so obtuse?

Tried to educate you, again and again,

But you complained about the information (or didn’t read it)

To the end

Refused to behave, like sisters or even basic friends,

Trust, respect and learning, a lack of inclination.

Kicked me down brutally,

When I could barely stand up,

Everyone around me says that you fucked up.

Smashed up our family with your fantasies and lies,

Puzzled you can look any one of us in the eyes.

Evil eyes don’t link up with the rest of your brain,

Hers a complex Illness to fathom, I know,

I’d imagined some support and compassion though.

Deluded by fake sisterhood, for all these years,

Such a shame. A terrible shame.

I’m aware I layed back into you,

Fierce Fire Ferocious words.

My instinct is to Fight not to flight, when attacked by a menacing herd.

Bombarded, lambasted, Nauseating terror incited by your strike

A gang of ugly witches,

Why not just be nice?

If you pummel a mother, doing her best with no rest,

Fire guns laced with ignorance and doubt,

Accusations of insanity like hand grenades and other nasty tests,

Then please expect profanity, that really is my best.

The absence of apology,

Final arrogance and disrespect,

Is why you are nought to me now,

Just unenlightened, washed up, old and vexed.

I’ll never understand still, how and why you inflicted such pain

You must just be really stupid, I can’t see what was to gain.

Despite my attempts to move on with you,

I really no longer can.

Swarmed with deluded esoterics,

When my child was so Ill is bizarre,

Abandoned at a time so climacteric,

Most people would be having hysterics,

Can’t take responsibility?

Have you always been this pathetic?

Okay okay I’m done.

Friendship Lost & Facing your battles alone

A bumpy dream of you last night

A thorn vaguely pricks, my stomach, my side.

Feelings from the vision

More real than television

A tiny tug inside my heart

A throbbing recognition

Of the loss that has passed me by.

When you headed out to sea,

A metaphorical peninsular,

It certainly seemed natural,

You always were quite insular.

At the time I cast it aside

(as you did us)

Colossal challenges crowding our lives.

I didn’t see you yesterday

It certainly wasn’t expected.

Still it unfurled this little wound,

I thought I’d filed away.

Now I’m called to stitch it up

Before it becomes infected.

(It won’t, it just rhymes!)

I thought that it had fully healed

Understood the reasons you did it

The Chapter healthily sealed,

A season and a reason, hardly an act of treason.

Though you said you’d take my child.

Perhaps

The other ways I kicked down your door

Sufficed you to take a back exit,

Whilst we lay, on the floor,

I wanted to cry,

the magnitude of the future and she

Imagining we would die.

Much later I meditated for your well-being

As we arrived at a more settled place.

Forgiveness forever fruitful

All-be my hurt, aware of the space.

I hope the amnesty is mutual

Though I imagine your disdain, witnessed the gradual loss of respect,

But it’s none of my business to care,

That’s not my desired text.

I’m happy we are living, Life, we persevered alone

Our sheer strength I am loving,

Challenges met head on daily, outside or just at home.

No desire then or now to steal as you thought I might

It wasn’t a battle anyone else could have Fought, we knew it was ours to fight

Her friends, and my sisters departed, lone warriors in the centre, just us.

(apparently ME is not real and kids don’t like other kids in wheelchairs or is it the parents!?)

But thank you the friend who penned, short notes upon the phone

To let us know we had support, if not right there in person, then genuinely in thought.

In Line, Serenity, Harmony

MEANS what to me?

Absence of nagging anxiety,

Without wild outbursts

Inside of my head or outwards

Simply hugging them and me

Or wrapping my arms around a tree.

In line, serenity, harmony

Means what to me?

In line, an ebb and flow is fine.

Happy not to ride the rollercoaster,

Intimidating, overwhelming times.

Living within safe parameters

No crash and burn no deathly blow

A healthy life, not fast not slow.

A stable brain chemistry

Brings with it serenity.

The peaceful knowing,

That you WILL keep glowing.

No fear of the light,

No fear of the dark.

A hearty, stable energy,

Blessed harmony sets you apart

Comfortably and pleasantly.

Your prize for all you’ve seen

What you know and where you’ve been.

Free to live, create

And be.

With focus and clarity.

To healthily relate

To tasks., yourself and others

Friends, partners, parents, strangers, brothers.

AMEN

AMIN

EMET

Suffocating

Are you suffering unwanted images?

I don’t know what that even means.

Are we talking of blood splattered villages?

Or my limbs bleeding out from the seams?

Are you suffering unwanted images?

Yes yes it’s the weight of oppression,

Of the suffocating, numbing malaise

Of a relentless Bipolar Depression.

Are you suffering unwanted images?

I wish I could say I’m without.

But a metaphorical bleed,

Is all the tears that come out.

Dirty Black Hole

I am still battling an episode of depression. I think I was probably mildly depressed for about a year but I didn’t notice it as I’ve been living such a strange and restricted life anyway as my teen battles ME/CFS. I care, I lay down. That’s pretty much been it for nearly 2 years. I’ve been exhausted. My blog, my writing, my hobbies, my walking all disappeared.

But in the past 2 months it’s crept heavily up and increased it’s intensity and hold. During that I’ve continued caring although she’s grown more strength now. But I’ve also been caring for parents who have health issues. I find no matter how bad I feel I can pull something from within me to assist them but in the in between times I am lost. Paralysed by depression. Dead, In dread.

I lay on my bed and I can’t move. Not to get a drink, go to the toilet, to do anything I might want to do. These are my in between times from the caring. Last night I had a big block of time to myself. The biggest in nearly 2 years in fact. But after I dropped my daughter to her destination, I flopped sideways on the bed and couldn’t move to make anything of my 3.5 hour break.

This little poem is the only thing I managed to do. A little scribble on a piece of paper from my dirty black hole.

Inside I’m screaming

As my nausea builds

Inside I’m screaming

In my chance to be chilled.

Enjoy a film, pick up a book,

Make a meal, put on a record?

Look what’s on TV?

No, no that’s not for me.

Come in, flop down,

Halfway on the bed,

Pillow awkwardly supporting

My very heavy head.

The Paralysis sets in,

Come on girl, remove your boots.

No that’s just not happening,

This depressions’ taken roots.

Weeds that are hard to pull,

Due to the seeds inside my brain.

I lay down in the mud,

Again and again and again.

In company, a Warrior Mum,

A dutiful extraordinary daughter,

But once I’m left alone,

I’m simply a pig to the slaughter.

I manage just to fake it

For those that I hold dear?

Am I really not important enough?

I wish I could shed a tear.

Time after time

It tugs at my soul.

I feel like I’m living

In a dirty black hole.

Keep on hoping

Give me energy

For a superior end

Ice cream on delivery

Is tonight my only friend.

Reflections

Who am I? Who was I? Who is she? Who was he? What the hell happened over here?

I found this poem in a notebook yesterday, some of my reflections in December. It is a poem of reflection of the growth, faith and promise that can come from the darkest of times. It touches death, grief and chronic illness and all the things I have been living with the past few years. It is a poem of gratitude for when you lose there is always something left. It is a celebration of motherhood and the mother and daughter team.

As his light expired

I lost a piece of my heart.

Soulmates finally found,

Soulmates viciously ripped apart.

Achingly little warning

Terrifying tumultuous morning.

As his light grew dim,

Partial breathing, clammy skin,

My strength came forth force indestructible

His closing reconstruction,

The Magus work complete.

Only God could repeat or delete.

His light is still burning,

Our soul child remains.

My life force ignited daily,

Heightened sense of how to play.

From the union of hearts and minds,

Blessed creature brilliant and divine.

For my remaining lucky pairing,

I’ve gratitude abound.

Her measure surpasses us both

In ways you can’t imagine

And there’s unexpected beauty

In actions that are hard to fathom.

Our soul child caught a sickness

That’s impact still remains.

She fights it like a Warrior,

As with he she never complains.

Never complains and never cries,

A lesser soul would have run the river dry.

My wonder rarely wearing

Devotion completely unending,

Blessed with many good times

We teleport to re-live those highs.

Forever changed wounds healed some healing,

Something like a bridge of sighs.

Evolving, growing, building,

Our new life as we must.

With faith placed in the Universe,

The Universe will be Just.

Untitled Part One

The boulder is dense

As I impel it up the hill.

My appearance is tense

As I endure this hefty bill.

I’m paying to live.

Recompense for the good times.

Or is it my Karma?

For disharmony, belligerence, negativity.

The weight is so much,

My hands warm and sweaty.

A touch is what I need.

Hold me tight til I succeed.

I’m succeeding at my own pace,

It’s slow, ugly and cold.

Summonsed in my teens,

Face grey, dirty, rarely serene.

At 46 today I wonder,

How long I’ll be pushing up this hill.

But I know it’ll be forever,

Even if I take the pills.

My knees are grazed

By the rough, cold ground.

Driven by a mouse leaking tears.

Powered by a Lioness who’s witnessed these fears.

At the top I’ll think I’ve made it,

Jump up in my stripey socks.

But there’s no straight plain on a mountain.

Too soon my serenity will be lost.

Walking, I am a miracle

Hi. My absence is a long story that I don’t have time for now. I am supposed to be getting ready for one of the overnight hospital admissions that my daughter has once a month since she got sick. But I decided well not decided, impulsively chose to leave that for a bit to post some poetry I wrote this morning. My creativity has been sapped since my child got sick. The plans to find an agent or publisher for my book got shelved and everything that was me stopped, except for being a Mummy. But I am truly empty now. It’s been 20 months with neglible support. I don’t speak to my sisters now due to their attitude to my daughters disability and dreadful behaviour around it. My best friend is still the other side of the world and someone I thought was a great friend randomly dumped me at the start of the Pandemic when my daughter got ill. And ill she has been, dreadfully and unimaginably. But I’m re-claiming myself. I need to re-energise my soul as I have become nothing. You will be my friends until I find some. You can still be my friends after. And share with you I will. Please let me apologise to anyone who has thoughtfully emailed and not received a reply. It’s been the toughest time of my life.

I’ve worn it fairly well but the make up is starting to slide now, it’s time to act. I made a pastel creation yesterday and it sparked a poem this morning. This is what you will read below. I was discussing in an email with my Psychiatrist how I feel and some of my behaviour and then aligned that with what I am doing, how I TRY and in particular what I have on this week. I decided I am a walking miracle. But when I came to type it out it felt more suitable to say, “It’s a miracle I am walking”.