Having Bipolar Disorder, I have spoken already about how I can be cut off from my Grief. As such when Grief comes I am often grateful for the release it gives me and for the fact that it feels I am taking a step forwards in my working through my Grief process. I appreciate feelings of Grief. Even if it is painful, it is real, it is raw, I am feeling something, processing something, releasing something. Not caught up in the distraction of Bipolar Disorder. I am recognising something real. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago and haven’t had a chance to post it yet. It gives just a tiny flavour of where I am coming from.
Camarederie In Grief
I was struck by death today
Whilst musing with a widow
And when I walked away
I found myself quite hollow.
A few tears filled my eyes
But not enough to purge me
The bittersweet camaraderie
That someone really heard me.
It’s not enough, not often
That I become connected
Within my cluttered life
Of how I am affected.
But in these Grief filled moments
A wave of gratitude
Gives me my connection back
And brings me close to you.
Grief ebbs and flows. It never truly disappears. Sometimes I don’t even know that I am under it’s effects. This week I have been paralysed by Anxiety which I put down to a drop in mood which it may be in part but it rose and rose towards the end of the week as I approached the 5 year anniversary of my wedding to my husband. The anniversary wasn’t on my mind either as I hardly ever even know what date it is but someone had mentioned it earlier in the week. On the day of the anniversary I could barely move for anxiety. I finally got up to go for a walk in the evening and when I did the awareness of my grief about my anniversary and loss became apparent. I relived my whole wedding and realised how much I want my husband here with my and my daughter. I also felt incredibly sad about his illness and the underlying context of the day. I have captured some of the day in this poem.
We never thought we would be getting married when he was dying. We weren’t big on marriage. We’d been together 11 years and called each other husband and wife. But we did say we would get married at some point. We liked to travel so we thought we may do it quietly abroad or whenever the time was right. But this turned out to be our time.
Marrying a Dying Man
Exquisite fancy food, provided by a friend,
Long beaded gown hanging, champagne glasses at the end,
Bridesmaids playing, Big girls chatting,
Make up decisions to be made.
Excited Bridal preparation,
My special day about to take place.
To Know Him is To Love Him
Is the song that I had chosen
To leave a special imprint
Of a man who’ll soon depart.
His wish to walk the aisle without a stick,
Executed with a flair and a fine art.
Re-united at the alter, I’m immediately safe,
A safety I’m yet to re-establish since he left for heavens gate.
We begin the process of vows and at
“Til death do us part”, eyes fill, I falter.
He grabs my arm, fixes my gazes, strengthen me as always.
“You have this”
We sign the book to Bob Marley,
“Everything is going to be all right”
Where did we get that positivity?”
For me it faded by the end of the night.
Cancer is ugly once it starts to fiercely gnaw your bones,
He was remarkably brave and charming, never complained or moaned.
There was pleasure in the wedding lunch.
Circulating the guests, he was vibrant, happy, we were bright.
Until the pain of the disease took over and he said I think it’s time to say goodnight.
HAPPY 5TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY MY ANGEL AND LOVE OF MY LIFE
I must make time for me time,
Even if just to write bad rhyme
Or my head mutates to a stifled zone,
With a mad tone.
Balance I find hard to achieve it,
Engines get revved with the things in my head
Caring, social media, Wikipedia,
Lost creativity, self activity, into tedium.
Blessed awareness hits like a church bell,
Divine intervention, sixth sense intention
Supersonic affirmations and writing save the day
My winning game is back in play.
Hello my faithful followers,
I just wanted to share that I now have Instagram. Your ongoing support on the blog is much appreciated and invaluable to me but I would really welcome your support on Instagram too if you use it.
You will have advance access to poetry before it hits the blog and some that I won’t be publishing on the blog if it is not relevant. And whatever else my Instagram journey brings.
IG blosseyfriday #blosseyfriday
Your love was whole like creation
Giving and nurturing,
fun, never taking
We had our own nation.
Fragranced with energy
Imaginative and wise,
Sapiosexual I’m told,
Enthralled by your mind,
Perspicacious and bold.
Others clambering behind.
Touch charged with electricity,
A perfect duplicity.
Your love was whole,
You were truly unique,
I miss ‘us’ I loved ‘us’
Perfectly beautiful freaks.
Laden with Grief, compressing my soul,
Restricting movement, squeezing my lungs,
A suprising turnout, midst debilitating burnout,
I feel I’m coming undone.
I wish he would visit and melt it away,
I called he said he loved me but he’s too far from gone
I need him with me now to pacify my fear.
Just for a few hours for the whoosh of Grief to appear.
Trying to be the best alone has been a feat indeed to manage,
Even ’good enough’ for this long term has done some damage.
Raising a child alone is always a challenge at best,
But a sick one for 3 months I don’t have anything inside me left.
I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost my care, I miss the one who isn’t here.
I didn’t recognise the power, of rising Grief pushing me down.
I thought my relentless effort caused my semi constant frown.
I hate the power of this monster, that means nothing, a mere word.
But now I see it’s hurting me I’ll unblock it and make space,
Space to breathe, be energised and have a little faith.
Somewhat thwarted by impatience, I hope I don’t get stuck.
I need an exorcism if I’m on the side of luck.
Yesterday I posted why I haven’t been writing and why I still can’t write for a bit and
it’s all very true. But this morning I woke up and realised how I am neglecting myself
somewhat and how putting my writing on hold is part of that. Writing is one of my ‘me’
things and I share it with others in the hope that they may identify with some of it and it may
offer some support or some of it may provide interest. I also realised today that I am not
practising the things that I preach. The things that keep me well. So here I am at 7am, sitting
amongst the boxes and the jumble with a warming cup of hot coffee to get some of it down
and make some sense of it.
I’ve always proposed an early mental health check in before glueing your face to your
phone. To identify how you feel today, assess your mood, let any negative feelings surface and
release. To journal if you feel inclined. Have a relaxed breakfast and plan the day. For a few
weeks now I’ve been getting up, drinking coffee, glueing myself to the phone, scrolling
everything, Twitter, Facebook, Emails, Messages, more coffee, smoking multiple cigarettes
and not checking in with how I feel all day at all. In fact actively avoiding how I might be
feeling. Then getting on with breakfast and stumbling into the day, getting on with things but
with no plan.
I’ve reached a point where I am fragile now. I realised that this morning when I picked
up the phone and put it down again deliberately without looking at anything. For a few days
I’ve been feeling cumulatively exhausted, tense and increasingly anxious. I’ve been so caught
up in the care of someone else for 3 months. Then selling furniture, taking deliveries and
creating a new room for my daughter, dealing with the chaos that has created in the home. I’ve
left no spaces for me recently and that has been symbolically represented by the lack of space
in my flat with the contents of my daughters room everywhere. To write, to breathe, to check
in, to do something I enjoy, to go for a walk. I’ve been on survival mode but it’s not a type of
survival that my mental health will survive long term.
I’m constantly anxious and on edge now and I need to go back to basics and deal with
it using the strategies that I recommend to others. Or I’ll be no use to my little girl. Constant
vigilance is required to maintain mental health. It’s so easy to slip. There will always be these
moments of falling and awakening and needing to wake up and refocus. Maintaining and
awareness and honesty is key.
This honesty is useful when dealing with others too. Something I think we find a little
harder. “Are you ok? “I’m fine” when actually if we were honest we may be able to get a little
bit of support. It’s been hard to get support during the lockdown of course because of social
distancing. But you can be honest in your phone conversations as the stress has been building
and I have done that recently and I have found it valuable.
This is just a short piece really. To demonstrate even those who write out how to do it
perfectly can fall down. I intend now to pick it up again. To slowly start putting my
strategies in. To create those spaces again. I feel some relief already just from writing this piece,
this statement of intent. It won’t be easy and I still have no feelings, hopefully they will come
on a walk. My daughter had a relapse last week. There is still a lot to do in the house. But it
must be possible to make some spaces. There are a lot of hours in the day and jobs can carry
over. With Bipolar Disorder it is of paramount importance to keep things going as relapse
prevention can be life saving. And for Grief management it took me a long time to start the process.
I have not had an episode for 8 months. I am on my way for my target to a year although
I am not complacent and I know anything could happen. I feel vulnerable right now and I need
to build myself back up to feeling like a Warrior again. I need to remain vigilant.
My average daily plan will look like this although won’t always be fulfillable as we
both have a lot of appointments:
Wake up-Coffee and emotional check in with journal
Breakfast and plan day
30 minutes social media
(Eat 3 healthy meals)
30 minutes walk with affirmations
Care for daughter/homework, finish putting home back together/house jobs/food shopping
Finish the day with emotional check in and reading for pleasure
These are the simple sorts of things that work. The structures that keep us well. They are good
for anyone but particular those who need to adopt a self care routine to prevent a catastrophic
slide in mental health.
If you would like to read a more detailed article on self care, please check back on my extensive post “Self Care For Those Who Find Self Care Difficult”.
Just a quick update on the silence. I’ve been dealing with my child’s severe Post Viral Fatigue. Made an ambitious decision to do some refurbishment in the middle of it and have also lost my glasses!!! That explains the radio silence. I need to get things together. Take my child to some medical appointments, get the house straight and get some new glasses and then I will be back with some new material. Do be patient 🙂 Thanks. Bloss. X
Feel the creeping joy of thoughts!
Here the sense of perfect satisfaction sought,
How they rise and rush and crackle,
In the day and in the night.
Sharing Love, Communication
Sublime, Euphoric Nation.
Losing time, time, time,
In a sort of runic rhyme.
Feeling emancipation befitting the talk.
From the thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts
From the rising and rushing of the thoughts.
Feel the fertile racing thoughts,
Going lickety split, had they ought?
Dazzling Goddess taking flight,
Should they express worry or delight?
She really didn’t mean to rock the boat…
Seemed all in tune,
Now everything is choked.
Soaring high crashing back to Disorder.
Parcels everywhere, impulsively bought,
Lack of thought,
How this pans out, she fought,
She got taken, got caught.
To the rushing and racing of the thoughts, thoughts, thoughts,
Of the thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
To the rushing and crashing of the thoughts.