I’m 46 now. Everything has changed. I was rebuilding myself when I started this blog after grief and a suicidal depression. Shortly afterwards my daughter became unwell and then Disabled and required 24 assistance with her health and was out of school for 2.5 years. Thankfully she is in remission now looking set for a good recovery.

The rebuilding was put on hold and it has been a challenging, strengthening time and I have again been tested to my limits. The rebuilding should be beginning now and it is, but I’m further behind than ever. I have PTSD or cPTSD following the awakening to denial, manipulation and recovered memories of an 11 year abuse cycle with my Narcissistic husband. This has been compounded by the recognition of further episodes of abuse in my life prior that I was conditioned not to recognise. I can’t say I’m feeling good but I’m alive and holding on and motivated to heal.

And so the journey begins, again.

I am a 44 year old widowed lone parent of an 11 year old super-being. I have a long standing diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I worked for 15 years as a Speech & Language Therapist before my health made it too difficult to continue, compounded by the death of the love of my life in 2015. I am outgoing and charming with a kind soul and I appreciate the good days with much gratitude and joy. I like colourful eye shadow and new shoes but not heels. I like buying gifts for others and have a mild fetish for new stationary. My vices are chocolate and Haribo Supermix. My last tattoo took 16 hours, was worse than childbirth and will probably be my last. I live in London with my daughter and psychotic, needy cat.

In the last 2 years I’ve been exploring new passions and developing new skills. I’ve been learning British Sign Language and volunteering in a school for Deaf kids and am developing as a Mental Health Writer. I have written a book on Grief and Bipolar disorder which I hope will be published by the end of the year.

I’m starting 2020 by revisiting my self management strategies one by one in an effort to increase remission times and increase longevity. I will be borrowing a dog for walking to get me out in the forest covering exercise and mindfulness! I’m really looking forward to it although I’ve never taken a dog out in my life and it’s a big dog!

My hopes for the future are that one day this will end and I will enter at least a long lasting period of remission where I can truly enjoy the good days with a confident sense of freedom without worrying what might be around the corner.

If you would like to read my full journey with Bipolar Disorder, it is my first blog post “Who Put Razor Blades In The Ice Cream”.