Consent is complex-No is no, verbal or non-verbal
Your fucking was cold and perfunctory,
I could have been in a different country.
I told you it was hurting,
My mouth clearly agape.
But you didn’t stop, or consider it
You know the name for that is rape.
Instead you flipped me over,
Like a slab of meat in an abattoir,
69 positions possible,
In a varied sexual repertoire,
Your most adopted two
The ones that caused me pain,
Not caring at all I had nothing to gain.
I’d pull away to get some ease,
Hoping you might recognise my plea and cease,
But you’d keep on banging til you’d had your fill.
Taken for granted I’d acquiesce to your will.
This is from a recent flashback and there are a number of similar variants. It has been highly distressing, somatic and visual and I had to stop a dentist appointment in the middle of it as I could not cope with the invasive nature of the dentistry at the same time as the invasive nature of the flashback. I find this flashback happens every time I lie down (and at other times) but it’s intensity is fading each time.
I didn’t know I was being raped by my Narcissist husband because I hadn’t explicitly said the word “No”. But I expressed discomfort and pain, told him it hurt me and my face displayed that I didn’t want to continue and at times I pulled away. I would also have been expressing vocal distress. This is not consent. Not once did he ask if I was happy to continue.
Saying no to a Narcissist abuser is not something most people would do. If you are already being subjected to humiliation and shame and a power dynamic in which you are inferior, it is nigh impossible to say that word. I can’t recall saying it about anything in 11 years. But even saying “yes” in these circumstances is not consent. Although I never said that either as I was never offered any choices.
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