Never Been Heard

(formerly The Musings and Learnings of a Widowed Bipolar Mum)

Walking, I am a miracle

Hi. My absence is a long story that I don’t have time for now. I am supposed to be getting ready for one of the overnight hospital admissions that my daughter has once a month since she got sick. But I decided well not decided, impulsively chose to leave that for a bit to post some poetry I wrote this morning. My creativity has been sapped since my child got sick. The plans to find an agent or publisher for my book got shelved and everything that was me stopped, except for being a Mummy. But I am truly empty now. It’s been 20 months with neglible support. I don’t speak to my sisters now due to their attitude to my daughters disability and dreadful behaviour around it. My best friend is still the other side of the world and someone I thought was a great friend randomly dumped me at the start of the Pandemic when my daughter got ill. And ill she has been, dreadfully and unimaginably. But I’m re-claiming myself. I need to re-energise my soul as I have become nothing. You will be my friends until I find some. You can still be my friends after. And share with you I will. Please let me apologise to anyone who has thoughtfully emailed and not received a reply. It’s been the toughest time of my life.

I’ve worn it fairly well but the make up is starting to slide now, it’s time to act. I made a pastel creation yesterday and it sparked a poem this morning. This is what you will read below. I was discussing in an email with my Psychiatrist how I feel and some of my behaviour and then aligned that with what I am doing, how I TRY and in particular what I have on this week. I decided I am a walking miracle. But when I came to type it out it felt more suitable to say, “It’s a miracle I am walking”.

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