Never Been Heard

(formerly The Musings and Learnings of a Widowed Bipolar Mum)

Tag: depression

  • The Death Of Alice

    Hi. It’s been a while since I posted. I had a bad Bipolar mixed episode followed by Covid followed by some cPTSD trauma related issues. My therapist is also leaving. If that were not enough, now that my mind has been restored to a (relative for me), calm. I have been attacked with my Chronic…

  • This Is Dorsal Vagus Shutdown (Trauma Shutdown)

    The serene strike of a benign relaxation exercise leaves me annihilated, Jolted out of it aggressively with the memory of a child perversely violated. Now I am dead, can’t move, paralysed, come to a stop, Eyes stuck in a fixed stare, can’t rise from the soft sofa chair. There is a famine of action here,…

  • I hurt

    But I’ve been writing all day today and I’m still hurting. I do art with the same intention swapping around the bits of my brain used. But I’ve done art today too and still I hurt. It is hurt covered in a blanket of internal rage. There are too many layers to reach it today.…

  • The Ups and Downs of a Dysregulated Eater Part 2a

    HEALING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD accountable adjective Definition 1 : subject to giving an account : answerable I said I was documenting this journey in order to have some accountability. Today I feel the need to account for myself. I also have answers, just sadly no solutions yet. It has been a week of ups…

  • My Joy, My Sad

    “Roses are red, violets are blue, It don’t always be like that, but sometimes it do”. It’s been relentless for so long I’d say this is as bad as it gets. Most days an exercise in survival. It started with depression at age 15 and a Bipolar Diagnosis at 21, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…

  • When Will The Tears Come

    I wrote this poem sometime in between my discoveries and trying to feel better. It was a challenging day but I managed to override inertia and inaction with some good self care. I was feeling quite trapped but I managed to carry on despite that and getting moving helped me to feel better. It’s so…

  • Suffocating

    Are you suffering unwanted images? I don’t know what that even means. Are we talking of blood splattered villages? Or my limbs bleeding out from the seams? Are you suffering unwanted images? Yes yes it’s the weight of oppression, Of the suffocating, numbing malaise Of a relentless Bipolar Depression. Are you suffering unwanted images? I…

  • Dirty Black Hole

    I am still battling an episode of depression. I think I was probably mildly depressed for about a year but I didn’t notice it as I’ve been living such a strange and restricted life anyway as my teen battles ME/CFS. I care, I lay down. That’s pretty much been it for nearly 2 years. I’ve…

  • Fall From Grace-Vigilance & Honesty In Self Care

    Yesterday I posted why I haven’t been writing and why I still can’t write for a bit and it’s all very true. But this morning I woke up and realised how I am neglecting myself somewhat and how putting my writing on hold is part of that. Writing is one of my ‘me’ things and…

  • Bipolar Depression Is A Dark Beast

    Weighing heavy on my chest Rendering me immobile as I lay My best a distant memory Day by day by day Staring into the abyss Disconnecting as you devour me Nothing is worse than this I deteriorate hourly Your ugliness reflects back in the mirror But you’ve taught me not to care I have a…