I wrote this poem sometime in between my discoveries and trying to feel better. It was a challenging day but I managed to override inertia and inaction with some good self care. I was feeling quite trapped but I managed to carry on despite that and getting moving helped me to feel better. It’s so hard to do that in a state of anxiety or depression but it’s so good when I can and can give a little freedom to trapped emotions.

It is also about finding your voice, speaking your truth, being heard and having acceptance for yourself. And finally knowing when enough introspection has been done and there is a need to move. I need to remember this right now.

Those tears will likely never come
Buried deep after all these years
But the fear they invite can be worked upon
And reduce the damage that has appeared

It is a good thing I found my voice
To share my torrid tale
I might need it in the future
Not cry inside to no avail

It was important to acknowledge it was real
And help me not to feel the fault
Where there was nought
Perhaps it will help me to heal

Previously an ugly disjointed film reel
That I didn’t understand and didn’t really want to
But things like that, they keep coming to haunt you.
Better to take a deep breath and deal.

I’ve learnt a lot about me in the space of a day
Starting with the little child who just went out to play
I’m still frustrated not knowing everything
But if I’m honest
I doubt it’ll make my heart sing.

I’ve spent enough time on this today,
Maybe forever,
It was bringing me down
Camped out in my bed, excessive writing,
Wearing a frown.

Trying to sleep when it was all too much
Reclaim my body with a gentle touch
Eating all the contraband
Nothing seemed to work
What I needed was a hand out of the dirt.

As is most often that hand came from me,
My Goddess, my warrior she came to set me free
Off the bed you get, no more introspection
Get in the shower. Love yourself, be kind,
Its time to reclaim your power.

I’m sitting in the nail bar now
After a smoothie in the sun
I think I’ll go for pink
Just for the sake of fun.

There is a hurt behind my eyes
I didn’t feel it at home
It’s in my upper stomach too
Just behind the rib bone.

But I’m pleased to be alive
And I’m doing my best to feel better
There’s no blueprint to recover you can follow to the letter.

I just need to get through the day
I daren’t think beyond this moment
If I do I feel quite anxious
Responsibility and home ignites the fear.
And actually it’s possible there will be a few tears.

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