Never Been Heard

(formerly The Musings and Learnings of a Widowed Bipolar Mum)

Dirty Black Hole

I am still battling an episode of depression. I think I was probably mildly depressed for about a year but I didn’t notice it as I’ve been living such a strange and restricted life anyway as my teen battles ME/CFS. I care, I lay down. That’s pretty much been it for nearly 2 years. I’ve been exhausted. My blog, my writing, my hobbies, my walking all disappeared.

But in the past 2 months it’s crept heavily up and increased it’s intensity and hold. During that I’ve continued caring although she’s grown more strength now. But I’ve also been caring for parents who have health issues. I find no matter how bad I feel I can pull something from within me to assist them but in the in between times I am lost. Paralysed by depression. Dead, In dread.

I lay on my bed and I can’t move. Not to get a drink, go to the toilet, to do anything I might want to do. These are my in between times from the caring. Last night I had a big block of time to myself. The biggest in nearly 2 years in fact. But after I dropped my daughter to her destination, I flopped sideways on the bed and couldn’t move to make anything of my 3.5 hour break.

This little poem is the only thing I managed to do. A little scribble on a piece of paper from my dirty black hole.

Inside I’m screaming

As my nausea builds

Inside I’m screaming

In my chance to be chilled.

Enjoy a film, pick up a book,

Make a meal, put on a record?

Look what’s on TV?

No, no that’s not for me.

Come in, flop down,

Halfway on the bed,

Pillow awkwardly supporting

My very heavy head.

The Paralysis sets in,

Come on girl, remove your boots.

No that’s just not happening,

This depressions’ taken roots.

Weeds that are hard to pull,

Due to the seeds inside my brain.

I lay down in the mud,

Again and again and again.

In company, a Warrior Mum,

A dutiful extraordinary daughter,

But once I’m left alone,

I’m simply a pig to the slaughter.

I manage just to fake it

For those that I hold dear?

Am I really not important enough?

I wish I could shed a tear.

Time after time

It tugs at my soul.

I feel like I’m living

In a dirty black hole.

Keep on hoping

Give me energy

For a superior end

Ice cream on delivery

Is tonight my only friend.

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