Grief ebbs and flows. It never truly disappears. Sometimes I don’t even know that I am under it’s effects. This week I have been paralysed by Anxiety which I put down to a drop in mood which it may be in part but it rose and rose towards the end of the week as I approached the 5 year anniversary of my wedding to my husband. The anniversary wasn’t on my mind either as I hardly ever even know what date it is but someone had mentioned it earlier in the week. On the day of the anniversary I could barely move for anxiety. I finally got up to go for a walk in the evening and when I did the awareness of my grief about my anniversary and loss became apparent. I relived my whole wedding and realised how much I want my husband here with my and my daughter. I also felt incredibly sad about his illness and the underlying context of the day. I have captured some of the day in this poem.
We never thought we would be getting married when he was dying. We weren’t big on marriage. We’d been together 11 years and called each other husband and wife. But we did say we would get married at some point. We liked to travel so we thought we may do it quietly abroad or whenever the time was right. But this turned out to be our time.
Marrying a Dying Man
Exquisite fancy food, provided by a friend,
Long beaded gown hanging, champagne glasses at the end,
Bridesmaids playing, Big girls chatting,
Make up decisions to be made.
Excited Bridal preparation,
My special day about to take place.
To Know Him is To Love Him
Is the song that I had chosen
To leave a special imprint
Of a man who’ll soon depart.
His wish to walk the aisle without a stick,
Executed with a flair and a fine art.
Re-united at the alter, I’m immediately safe,
A safety I’m yet to re-establish since he left for heavens gate.
We begin the process of vows and at
“Til death do us part”, eyes fill, I falter.
He grabs my arm, fixes my gazes, strengthen me as always.
“You have this”
We sign the book to Bob Marley,
“Everything is going to be all right”
Where did we get that positivity?”
For me it faded by the end of the night.
Cancer is ugly once it starts to fiercely gnaw your bones,
He was remarkably brave and charming, never complained or moaned.
There was pleasure in the wedding lunch.
Circulating the guests, he was vibrant, happy, we were bright.
Until the pain of the disease took over and he said I think it’s time to say goodnight.
HAPPY 5TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY MY ANGEL AND LOVE OF MY LIFE