Grieving the happy go lucky girl child

Walking hand in hand with a man with a tan

Intoxicated not accustomed to drinking

A walk on the beach not really thinking.

Feeling a little plucky I guess

Looking for a tale to tell

A little adventure

Maybe a kiss

Nothing rough

Painful

Or mucky

I really didn’t know about this.

We sat and quickly lay

Hidden by some loungers

The soft cool sands around us

Fun, exciting in the dusk

 But of my depth, a little afraid

Out of my depth from the beginning

My head was lightly spinning

Abrupt return to reality as you suddenly rolled over me

And shoved a number of dry fingers

Roughly between my legs.

A sharp searing pain

You thrust in and out

Not expecting me to complain

“No”, bold, from somewhere within

Loud and clear before you could really begin

This wasn’t what I wanted

This was no longer fun

Did you stop because I insisted?

Or not to alert anyone?

My teacher approached from the periphery

I limped home to the dorm

Feeling a little shocked

But not questioning your form.

Thought I was the one been stupid,

Gave you the wrong idea

Concluded it was just the norm

Decades later I’m more lucid.

A light localised pain

Bright red blood in my knickers

Somewhat dazed

I flipped off my kickers.

Today the pain has spread

Aware of how it fits in the picture

Re-victimisation is real

And I need to be stricter

with whom I take a walk and who I take to bed.

Guilt is always with the perpetrator

The fabricator, the dictator

That’s an unquestionable fact

But sometimes it’s hard to see it like that.

My body was not for your use

Or a pleasure that was not mine

You were older

You could have seen my age

I was a child, 14, not fine.

You knew and didn’t care,

You treated me like your prey

And I only realised how wrong that was

Years later, today.

Does going for a walk mean you can shove your fingers or yourself inside of me? No Does being intoxicated give you rights over my body? No Does it mean you don’t ask what I want? No Does being intoxicated mean it’s ok to try and f**k a child? No Does being intoxicated mean you can f**k a grown woman without her consent? No These are useful questions when it comes to victim blaming.

At the time of this incident (late 80’s). I thought this guys behaviour was acceptable. I assumed all responsibility as I was drunk, I had gone for a walk with him and I didn’t know what I was doing. I had led him on. I had no idea he didn’t have the right to do that to me. Although my emotions were a little confused. I just notched it up to experience. I was 14 years old and completely innocent.

It’s only now, looking at the pattern of abuse in my life, that I can see not only was his behaviour completely wrong. I was re-victimised having experienced abuse as a child. Somewhen I had been conditioned to think that I was to blame for anything bad that happened to me and men had freedom to do what they wanted to my body.

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU LIKE MY PIECE HIT LIKE, IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE BROWSE MY BACK CATALOGUE AND HIT FOLLOW FOR FUTURE POSTS. PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU FEEL SO INCLINED. LOVE ALICE X