Grieving the happy go lucky girl child
Walking hand in hand with a man with a tan
Intoxicated not accustomed to drinking
A walk on the beach not really thinking.
Feeling a little plucky I guess
Looking for a tale to tell
A little adventure
Maybe a kiss
I really didn’t know about this.
We sat and quickly lay
Hidden by some loungers
The soft cool sands around us
Fun, exciting in the dusk
But of my depth, a little afraid
Out of my depth from the beginning
My head was lightly spinning
Abrupt return to reality as you suddenly rolled over me
And shoved a number of dry fingers
Roughly between my legs.
A sharp searing pain
You thrust in and out
Not expecting me to complain
“No”, bold, from somewhere within
Loud and clear before you could really begin
This wasn’t what I wanted
This was no longer fun
Did you stop because I insisted?
Or not to alert anyone?
My teacher approached from the periphery
I limped home to the dorm
Feeling a little shocked
But not questioning your form.
Thought I was the one been stupid,
Gave you the wrong idea
Concluded it was just the norm
Decades later I’m more lucid.
A light localised pain
Bright red blood in my knickers
I flipped off my kickers.
Today the pain has spread
Aware of how it fits in the picture
Re-victimisation is real
And I need to be stricter
with whom I take a walk and who I take to bed.
Guilt is always with the perpetrator
The fabricator, the dictator
That’s an unquestionable fact
But sometimes it’s hard to see it like that.
My body was not for your use
Or a pleasure that was not mine
You were older
You could have seen my age
I was a child, 14, not fine.
You knew and didn’t care,
You treated me like your prey
And I only realised how wrong that was
Years later, today.
Does going for a walk mean you can shove your fingers or yourself inside of me? No Does being intoxicated give you rights over my body? No Does it mean you don’t ask what I want? No Does being intoxicated mean it’s ok to try and f**k a child? No Does being intoxicated mean you can f**k a grown woman without her consent? No These are useful questions when it comes to victim blaming.
At the time of this incident (late 80’s). I thought this guys behaviour was acceptable. I assumed all responsibility as I was drunk, I had gone for a walk with him and I didn’t know what I was doing. I had led him on. I had no idea he didn’t have the right to do that to me. Although my emotions were a little confused. I just notched it up to experience. I was 14 years old and completely innocent.
It’s only now, looking at the pattern of abuse in my life, that I can see not only was his behaviour completely wrong. I was re-victimised having experienced abuse as a child. Somewhen I had been conditioned to think that I was to blame for anything bad that happened to me and men had freedom to do what they wanted to my body.
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