Never Been Heard

(formerly The Musings and Learnings of a Widowed Bipolar Mum)

Author: Alice Willow

  • The Death Of Alice

    Hi. It’s been a while since I posted. I had a bad Bipolar mixed episode followed by Covid followed by some cPTSD trauma related issues. My therapist is also leaving. If that were not enough, now that my mind has been restored to a (relative for me), calm. I have been attacked with my Chronic…

  • This Is Dorsal Vagus Shutdown (Trauma Shutdown)

    The serene strike of a benign relaxation exercise leaves me annihilated, Jolted out of it aggressively with the memory of a child perversely violated. Now I am dead, can’t move, paralysed, come to a stop, Eyes stuck in a fixed stare, can’t rise from the soft sofa chair. There is a famine of action here,…

  • Dead Behind The Eyes:A dedication to those with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the special people who work with them to find colour and life again.

    My soul is hollow, vacant, there is nothing inside. Behind the warm hazel and striking brown intensity, the mirror of my eyes, There is nothing. A grey death, a barren land, A slight wish for someone to hold my hand. I drive gently through the street, Observe how the sun, silently illuminates. The sky projecting…

  • Abuse Amnesia

    www.goodtherapy.org/blog/abuse-amnesia-why-we-stay-with-our-abusive-partners-1003175 I have been struck by the contrast in my earlier posts and the posts now since my eyes have been opened to the truth of my experience. I thought this might help somebody and if not it makes for an interesting read.

  • Your Dying Was A Great Blessing (Emotional Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist).

    You don’t own this home, but you do. Whether in it or missing from it, After a bout of silent, savage, hissing, I can be found frozen, afraid, sitting, Not knowing what to do next, Shocked, where’d the bliss go? There never was much kissing. I hate you, I’m glad that you are dead, I’m…

  • Unrequited love and Validation

    Is it a fertile imagination? Or are you the only one who understands my words? Am I being fanciful? Then why is it just you that makes me feel heard? It hurts to think about you (though it soothes me) But not to know I never cross your mind I want to share everything with…

  • Scrambled Eggs and Lorazepam (aka Sex with a Narcissist) rape trigger

    Today was a day I gave too much of a damn, About peoples responses, BELIEF, To me sharing your REAL crimes from my head, Lunch is Lorazepam and eggs I’ll try rhyming out scars from the dead. Self professed Batman, Superman, Classy son of an Irish Clergyman, Runner for freedom fighters Gang man Ruffian posed…

  • I hurt

    But I’ve been writing all day today and I’m still hurting. I do art with the same intention swapping around the bits of my brain used. But I’ve done art today too and still I hurt. It is hurt covered in a blanket of internal rage. There are too many layers to reach it today.…

  • Lemonade for the Renegade

    Your immaturity finds it’s way to the stage in rage. Forceful and Fierce, I cause you to disengage. A futile routine seeking change, you’ll never reach that place Once more your default action is to confine me to a cage. You say, all the gang say, I don’t know how to behave. In reality, I’m…

  • I am the Master of Me

    I am not broken, Though my energies spent, You were hell bent on destroying me Though you faked concern, cloyingly I am the master of me. I AM the master of me Boundless strength inside of me A cleansing well to use To fight memories of abuse To reconnect my head to my body Dispel…