Never Been Heard

(formerly The Musings and Learnings of a Widowed Bipolar Mum)

Author: Alice Willow

  • The Ups and Downs of A Dysregulated Eater Part 1

    AKA HEALING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD Today was my first appointment with the dietician. Ambivalent as I was, having approached the GP with high hopes for a pill to stop me eating, I came out with a dietetics referral. Having long since stopped feeling remorse for eating bad food, and telling myself I didn’t care,…

  • Healing my relationship with food-intro

    For 30 years I’ve had dysregulated eating. At 15, with completely normal weight I went on serious appetite suppressants from a dodgy clinic. I would see how many days I could survive on a packet of Maltesers. I always had a sweet tooth and a taste for the unhealthy. My life has been a series…

  • My Joy, My Sad

    “Roses are red, violets are blue, It don’t always be like that, but sometimes it do”. It’s been relentless for so long I’d say this is as bad as it gets. Most days an exercise in survival. It started with depression at age 15 and a Bipolar Diagnosis at 21, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…

  • When Will The Tears Come

    I wrote this poem sometime in between my discoveries and trying to feel better. It was a challenging day but I managed to override inertia and inaction with some good self care. I was feeling quite trapped but I managed to carry on despite that and getting moving helped me to feel better. It’s so…

  • Mummy Poem 2 Reflections on parenting

    You were loving and kind with a strange style of mothering To be honest, for me, it was really quite smothering You wanted me happy, right from the start But your chances of achieving it were really quite stark. The life skills you gave me, inadequate and few, No body hair was permitted, it would…

  • Pink Pills-trigger date rape/drug rape (Rape poem 2)

    There was no option to consent Drugged, drinking before we went to your home I’m puzzled HOW or WHY I left mine No recall But I can “see” it had started already Seedy, disgusting, sweaty. I didn’t want it You were old, overweight and ugly. In comparison a girl young and lovely, Worth more. Why…

  • Happy Go Lucky Girl Child-Innocence Lost Poem 2 (Trigger CSA, rape)

    Grieving the happy go lucky girl child Walking hand in hand with a man with a tan Intoxicated not accustomed to drinking A walk on the beach not really thinking. Feeling a little plucky I guess Looking for a tale to tell A little adventure Maybe a kiss Nothing rough Painful Or mucky I really…

  • Mummy Poem 1 (Trigger Physical/Emotional Abuse-mild)

    I can’t remember when you first hit me I can’t remember how often you lost your mind with rage I remember a bad incident at 9 or 10, a bit old for you to behave this way. You shouted, chased me, screamed as was your pattern when you lost control, Grabbing, pushing, manhandling me, Whacking…

  • I’m sad today but I have hope

    Hi. Happy Saturday. It was a happy start to the day having a brunch date with my teen where we ate a spectacular pancake stack dripping with Greek yoghurt, fruit compote and loaded with blueberries. I love walking with linked arms down the street with her and having some quality time. She’s so busy these…

  • Don’t call me an “Abused”person

    It’s been 4 months since I found myself in a retrospective analysis of my life caused by distress, emotional pain but also numbness, fatigue and exhaustion, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and dissociation, difficulties controlling my emotions and responses and difficulties being around other people. I didn’t want to do anything but lay down and listen to…